My Search for the One Thing Every Mom is Told She Can't Have

And why it feels so damn right (most of the time).

“What do you do for work?” A standard-issue question meant to break the ice, especially if you live in New York, like I do, where your profession is basically your identity. I remember someone asking me that after I left my job, not knowing how to reply: “Do I revert to the past tense and say that I was formerly the editor-in-chief of Parents, a national media brand that’s been around for 100 years?“ It was one of those impressive titles that made people lean in, curious to hear more. A role that put me on live television and on conference stages around the country. And the pinnacle of a career I’ve been building since I was a 16-year-old editor working on my high school newspaper.

Grace Bastidas from The Mommune.

So, why would I leave all of that? The inevitable follow-up question. One without a clear, concise answer. And that’s alright. Not all pivots can be neatly packaged for public consumption. The truth is often more nuanced, more layered. Yes, everything you’ve heard about the media industry played a role: the instability; the pressure to do more with less; the prioritization of profit over editorial independence; the slow departure of a once-engaged audience.

But if I’m being blunt, I left in search of the one thing every working mother is told she can’t have: balance.

After more than a decade spent toggling between career and family, prioritizing one or the other, never finding the sweet spot between those competing demands but always feeling their impossible tug, I was ready to reimagine what professional and personal fulfillment could look like—on my terms.

This journey of self-discovery couldn’t have arrived at a better time. As I watch my daughters, ages 13 and 11, blossom into the people they’re meant to become, I realize that midlife and adolescence both involve pushing boundaries and expectations as we find our way on this twisty road the universe lays out for us. And as their mother and primary role model, I want to help my girls understand that there are no limits to what they can do. That no matter where life takes them, they can choose differently. That the old saying grownups often tell children—“you get what you get, and you don’t get upset”—doesn’t have to be true. Especially not in this world, which constantly asks women to endure, to shrink, to settle. I want my daughters to know that they don’t have to conform.

But I need to lead by example.

It took me a long time to learn that lesson. Held back by the voice in my head telling me to be grateful for what I had, to not want more, let alone demand it. Reminding me that my immigrant parents had to work multiple jobs to get by, so who was I to complain? But there’s a certain clarity that comes with age, letting us see what truly matters and summoning the guts, the agallas, to go after it even when it seems out of reach. And since the path isn’t necessarily a straight one, I am carving out space to connect with other smart women who’ve had to figure it out for themselves: connecting IRL for coffee and conversation. Building a Substack that centers motherhood and the ambitions that drive us. And aligning myself with other mission-oriented leaders through my board work for two education-focused national non-profits.

But mostly, I am thinking about my next chapter in the company of the people I love most. And while there’s nothing concrete to share yet, I continue to dream out loud within earshot of my daughters, sometimes pulling them in to talk about my ideas: projects I’m starting, writing I’m taking on. I see their eyes light up as they get excited about these brainstorming sessions. How wonderful for my girls to see their mom continue to evolve, just as they begin to chart their own paths. None of it is simple, and we’re bound to make mistakes, but we’re in it together.

I can’t ask for anything more. But then again, maybe I can. Why hold back, right?

About the author

Grace Bastidas publishes The Mommune, a space dedicated to mothers and the people who support them. She is an award-winning journalist and parenting editor who has been writing, thinking, and speaking about parenthood for more than a decade and on every possible platform (magazines, digital, podcasts, live television, conferences). But, most importantly, she’s a mom of two.

P.S. What have you let go of to ask for more? We’d love to hear from you in the comments or el chat.

This essay is part of our guest essay series, where we invite women to share their wisdom. We believe every voice that joins this conversation makes the whole community richer, and we’d love yours to be next. Learn more about submitting your own essay here.